he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
