If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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