Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
