I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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