Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
