her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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