She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
