btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
