And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize