Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Randomize
