I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
