I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
