nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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