I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
