yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
