I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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