When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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