All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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