I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
