i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
