you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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