perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
