ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think i peed on brittanys purse
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
