I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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