ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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