I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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