I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
