I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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