nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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