I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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