I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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