Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize