He felt like a one man threesome
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The power of my boobs compel you
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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