I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
