i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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