im six kinds of drunk right now
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
