Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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