True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
