You can't special order awesome
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
