If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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