sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Did I show you my penis last night?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm like, not good at living.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize