and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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