what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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