Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I faked an abortion last night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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