I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
