You just made me feel so damn special
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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