Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
