Who wears a wallet chain?!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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