how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
