i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
