Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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