trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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