I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
