He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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