Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
